How to Find Yourself by Getting Lost
If we don’t go against the grain of order, we fail to make progress.
“We are not taking the car up there, Will. Don’t even think about it.”
The rocky dirt track is beckoning me. My girlfriend is staring at me with that look every man should recognise. The one where you know that an evening of turbulence is inbound if you fail to adhere. I acquiesce and we park the car at the side of the road.
We’d come to a spot we hadn’t visited before for a dog walk. I’d read about this trail with breathtaking vistas of the Arrabida mountain range here in Portugal. The little child inside of me was calling out.
Sometimes, that voice is the one that will bring you closest to death.
Other times, it unlocks a new state of perception.
I adore that line we walk and all the risk that comes with it.
We started to walk the trail but the path isn’t so obvious. Recent rain had made it hard to see which path went where. Foliage from the overgrown trees was acting as a guardian of parts once walked. We had to improvise.
I noticed a nearby road and decided to use it as an anchor.
“Let’s walk west. Worst case scenario, we head back and follow the road.”
As we headed further into the unknown, more and more divisions in the washed trail begin to appear. There were more forks in the path than you’d find in the cutlery tray of an all-you-can-eat buffet.
I chose left or right at random as each choice welcomed us. But after 30 minutes of walking, I came to a rather unsurprising yet slightly worrying conclusion.
I had no idea where we were.
We’d gone down so many lefts and rights. My girlfriend was giving me that look again. Going back was becoming increasingly more difficult. Our older dog Kayla is starting to struggle with the changes in terrain. My younger dog Django is stressed as he’s misplaced his tennis ball.
Suddenly, none of that mattered.
As we turned a corner, a circular clearing appeared with trees in a horseshoe formation around it. One small gap was left, and before us was one of the greatest views I’ve ever seen in my life.
A backdrop of the local mountain range with the setting sun illuminating the hill line. The light dusting of clouds dispersed the light, and streaky lines of sunshine fell as if someone had broken through the gates of Heaven.
I stood in awe. My Golden Retriever Django aptly walked from behind and sat by my side. Even my girlfriend couldn’t help but let her anxiety melt away.
I didn’t grab a photo at the time, but this one from a fellow walker begins to do it justice.
Arguably, the biggest blessing was at the other end of the clearing as a signpost pointed us towards the road where we’d parked.
But it wouldn’t have mattered to me either way.
This was one of life’s chance moments.
One which reminded me of a crucial life lesson I’ve learned along my path.
The Balance of Order and Chaos
We place immense value on the comfort of familiarity.
A warm, cosy bed to get into every night. Our favourite café that serves the coffee we’re used to. The same Indian takeaway every Thursday.
We humans require familiarity to function on a daily basis. If we woke up and wanted porridge for breakfast, but the oats and milk were in a random location every morning, we’d go insane. Our ancestors had to evolve this way so they could remember which river had a regular stream of fish or which berries from a certain bush wouldn’t leave them comatose or even dead.
However, a problem exists when it comes to order.
I like to think about it as if I were a medieval King.
Imagine you ruled the inside of your castle and the surrounding grounds.
If you stayed inside the walls, you would learn the inner workings and details of all your civilians and processes. You’d have a deep understanding of how to make it function perfectly with what you have available. Your devoted attention would lead to that familiarity we all crave.
But what happens when an enemy crosses the hill in the distance?
Suddenly, you have zero understanding of what is going on. You know nothing of them. They would storm towards the walls and your attention is diverted. You would have no archers or cannons because there would be no need. Your kingdom runs perfectly after all.
If you were a king years ago, you had to leave the castle and venture into the unknown.
You would have had to send men away from the security of the castle walls to see if any foes lay beyond the horizon. You would have to lead a counter charge if such an enemy was approaching.
This would be walking into Order’s nemesis — Chaos.
The uncertain. The unfamiliar. The unpredictable.
It is an inevitability of life that things don’t go to plan. Jordan Peterson uses an excellent metaphor to describe this. Imagine you cleaned your kitchen to a spotless condition, then left it alone for a year. Do you think it would still be immaculate 1 year down the line?
Of course not. It would likely resemble a pig sty, or even worse, a regular university dorm kitchen.
We have to make a conscious effort to create order due to the inevitability of chaos and entropy. The dam to hold back the river.
However, in doing so, another problem arises…
The Need to Strike a Balance
If order is security and familiarity — surely, we would want to place it as the proverbial summit of the ideal mountain for us to ascend?
But what happens when we hide within familiarity?
Take the world of the arts, for example.
Imagine if punk bands had never flipped the middle finger to the mainstream music industry.
Imagine if Socrates had kept quiet and not pursued his ideals of questioning authority and using critical thinking to tackle the issues of the day.
Imagine if civil rights activists hadn’t campaigned so valiantly for the right and just treatment black people in America deserved.
If we don’t go against the grain of order, we fail to make progress. We stagnate. We risk letting our bad habits make themselves at home just because they’re what we know.
What if I’d decided to walk one of the trails next to my house instead of heading off on an unknown one?
I’d have missed that incredible vista that I had no idea existed just a 20 minute drive from my doorstep.
I’d have missed a curious adventure with my girlfriend and dogs. I’d have missed the golden rays and the burning clouds the sky was offering up.
To find yourself, you need to get lost.
We need order and routine in our lives.
But if we stay within the confines of such security, we never discover what we’re truly capable of. We never get the chance to see what random beauty life has to offer.
It’s the moments when we deviate from the expected that we find the unique.
There’s a few things I always turn to when I notice myself falling into habits and routines that prevent me from experiencing these unique moments in the unknown.
1) Lean Into The Fear
A natural byproduct of wandering from the expected is fear. It’s that loud voice screaming to get back to shore.
Instead of relinquishing control to it, lean into it. Let it wash over you. It was useful for our ancestors when they had no idea if a tiger was lurking around the corner. But, most of the time nowadays, it holds us back from achieving what we want.
Learn to befriend it and harness it.
2) Say No to No
When I lived in London, a mate of mine kept asking me if I fancied going to this open mic night in Shoreditch.
I’m a performer by nature. However, for some reason, I was hesitant to go to this open mic night. I had performed in bands with people I was comfortable with before that. This would be me on stage with random musicians who I’d never met.
The natural thoughts started calling…
“What if I make a mistake?”
“What if they think I’m terrible?”
“What if I’m the weak link in the band?”
Again, fear knocking at the door.
Instead, I decided to say ‘Screw it’. I went along and had a wonderful time. I got paired with some unbelievable musicians, and even managed to hold my own when jamming alongside them.
If I’d have let order and fear work their magic, I’d have missed out on one of my favourite musical memories.
3) What’s the Best That Can Happen?
Fear is like a cinema reel.
When a situation comes up and you start to feel fear, it’s like someone starts playing you a film of all the worst possible outcomes.
What if, instead of that, you flip the script?
You play your own film with a different title.
What’s the best that could happen?
It’s scary to write a song, but you might just write a masterpiece.
It’s scary to talk to that guy or girl, but you might just meet your future husband or wife.
It’s scary to turn your thoughts into words, but you might just make sense of the world.
You might think that disappointment hits harder when you do this and fail. It turns out the inverse is true. You come to terms that failure is part of life’s equation. You don’t feel aggrieved that you’ve been robbed of the ideal outcome. You experience a sense of joy that you tried. You learn to trust yourself more. You feel more comfortable in your own skin.
The world will always be dangerous. It’s how you deal with it.
Don’t forget that on the other side of risk lies destiny.
Nothing great ever accomplished by our species was done so from comfort.
Be it the explorers who sailed our oceans and mapped continents. Be it the artistic pioneers who weren’t afraid to put their soul on the line. Be it the business owners who saw a way to advance our civilisation.
I feel that the natural inclination of our world as we become more connected is to feel a greater need of security.
It’s understandable. Technology is advancing faster than ever. Every day, new trends and new gadgets appear. Nothing seems familiar, so we turn to what we can control to make it familiar.
But it’s in the moments when we let the entropic nature of the world wash over us that we discover who we truly are and what we are truly capable of.
The beauty of life is not found in order nor chaos alone. It is found as we walk the trepidatious line between the two.
Until we ride again, gang.
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Wonderful! This might have been just what I needed to read this morning. Thank you for sharing.